I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize