I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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