I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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