i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
