you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
