Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
