I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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