You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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