i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
