I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
