I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
