she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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