It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
