Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
