He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
