Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
