I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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