hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
