Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
