hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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