I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
