Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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