My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
