Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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