No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
