he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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