neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
