Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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