you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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