matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
