Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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