put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
