She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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