I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
not ubering you a puppy
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
