you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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