yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
