My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize