Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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