...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
