I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
