I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
