i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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