glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
