Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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