You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
