im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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