i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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