I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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