I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i will never coherently bang her
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
