smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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