I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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